All posts for the month February, 2013

I think I would prefer “twitch”

Published February 28, 2013 by Lynda Christine Rodriguez

Does anyone else repeat words over and over until they lose all meaning? I am willing to embrace the possibility that the answer to that is “no.”  A designer/artist I respect once told me that I was the strangest person he had ever met.

Anyway, (that is a very awkward transition, I am aware of that and the fact that I edited it out of the ebook that I am currently in the process of sludging through in an effort to make it more readable.)  I have been checking XOJane regularly to see if my contest entry for “It happened to me” has been published yet.

It has not.

That does not fill me with horror and panic, I know regardless of status all of the entries will eventually be published.

I really would like to win. I could use the break.

But as I read the other entries, a tiny part of me says, “You call that  a crisis?”  I feel bad about thinking that, not just because of the bad Karma (and believe me, I am starting to feel that the Karmic drain puddles out somewhere near my front door.)

It makes me feel like a jerk.

Then I started thinking about the different meanings of the word “jerk.”

This is the second definition:

Noun:  An idiot or stupid person. An insensitive, selfish, ignorant, cocky person who is inconsiderate and does stupid things.

The third is long and involved

1. Final stage of evolution of any male who spent at least one year dating in America, no matter his origin
2. Mandatory mindset for self-survival within corporate America
3. At this point of no return, group synonym for an elusive + cocky + self-confident + self-centered + loud + crazy male
4. A guy that doesn’t give a flyin’ fuck about anything else but his handsome allure and annoying success.
5. THE abusive attitude that will surely attract any girl’s love in America. For life
6. A guy that enhances any girl’s low self-esteem and insecurity without meaning it. Then gets blamed for it.
7. A guy that does not return any “I love you” s but keeps smiling at his girl’s face until she melts down and asks for more of that shit 🙂
8. Every bitches’ openly discussed concern. Yet every bitches’ secret love.
9. A challenge aka any girl’s biggest turn-on.
10. A bitch with a dick.
“Oh my God, Tyler is such a jerk to me {tears} He treats me like shit {collapses} I love him though {go figure}”

“Tyler earned twice my bonus this year and makes me realize what a sorry loser I am. He is such a jerk”

I don’t really think that I am a jerk.

The first definition was  for the verb form  it means twitch.

So if that means nervous and over-thinky,it fits.

What I learned because of Eldon.

Published February 26, 2013 by Lynda Christine Rodriguez

So far I have had an interesting week. I have had the opportunity to spend time with some of my favorite kids.  Yesterday, one of the middle school students with whom I have worked in the past (that’s me, showing off my mad English skills.) asked me who I brought with me.   (This is not a strange question.  I have been known to bring hedgehogs, otters and other assorted members of the Fabricated American community. )

I had to hang my head and murmur, “No.”   So last night I walked around to see who would want to come with me today.  Jerry Bear couldn’t decide and Hedgie, who spent 2 weeks with me at the beginning of the year, talked him out of it.

Eldon the Elephant came with me, mostly to keep me from forgetting anything.  (He’s an elephant, after all.)

Because things are emergent when you become aware of them, I noticed that the audio book I have been listening to is full of Elephant facts.

For example, I didn’t know that elephants have several different means of communication. (Although I don’t know why it’s such a surprise. I suspect there aren’t a lot of cell towers where the elephants roam.  Not to mention they have a hard time fitting into a phone booth.)

I definitely did not know :

“Using both their voice and their hearing, elephants can communicate with each other over great distances.
Fellow elephants who know each other greet each other with quiet rumbling or purring which reminds one of a running diesel engine. Calves bellow loudly for their mothers when they feel lost. Anxious, attacking and attacked elephants trumpet.

It is also known that elephants converse over great distances using infrasound. Human beings can’t hear these low-frequency sounds.
Human ears can hear sounds in the range from 20 to 20’000 hertz. Elephants, however, can also emit sounds in the range of 14 – 24 hertz, at a volume of between 85 and 90 decibels. This is significantly louder than the noise level which human conversation generates, namely around 65 decibels.
With such energy-laden sound waves, elephants can communicate with each other up to a distance of several kilometres.”

You can find this information and some nifty sound clips  at

All of this took my attention off of myself and the fact that I don’t think I’m living up to my full potential.

Although, to be fair, Eldon certainly isEldon at computer

I wish I could say it was turtles

Published February 25, 2013 by Lynda Christine Rodriguez

The song” you can’t win” from the Wiz keeps running through my head’, particularly the line “before some turkey blows out your flame”. I’m not at my best and I really have got to get a handle on the posting from the touch screen thing.

I’m feeling tired. It’s possible I’m just really bored, but I doubt it. I just feel filleted, like I don’t have any bones.  (Keep the comments to yourselves, perverts!)

I wrote a critical essay for the new job and started editing an ebook for the other.  I also supervised a few classes. (I say ‘supervised’ because they closed the musical yesterday and their teachers took pity on them and didn’t require any students to actively do anything.)

I keep looking down hoping to see turtles. So far I all I see is the boots that I put on this morning before I remembered that they squeak horribly when I walk across the room.   I didn’t care enough to change them and if any student noticed and was at all bothered by it, they didn’t say anything about.

In my world, having a less than interesting day is a nice change of pace. I don’t really want to look up in case a jagular drops down on me.

I’m not nearly as pitiful as I sound.

There you are

Published February 25, 2013 by Lynda Christine Rodriguez

As vexing as my life can be, at least it’s never boring. I just got a contract writing for a company out of this China. I am writing
Sample essays for TOEFL exams. I will also be correcting essays and doing smart chick things like that. So far,I am digging language barrier gaffes.  I do plan to share that soon.
Read the rest of this entry →

What if it’s crazy all the way down?

Published February 22, 2013 by Lynda Christine Rodriguez

I try to keep a cautiously optimistic outlook on life.  As you may have noticed, this doesn’t always work.  So many things conspire against me and my desire to retain a charming demeanor and clown-like smile of delight on my face. For the third time today I have found myself feeling a bit off balance.  I took a moment and asked myself, “Hey, what’s going on?” Then the rest of me piped in, “You want the whole list or just the top ten?”

For the third time in as many days I have misplaced something important. Usually when I do this, I clean the house or room  in which I last saw it until I find said item.

This morning I couldn’t find my purse, but I was running late, so I left without it.  I did go home at my first opportunity and found it.  I wish I could say I found it right away.  It took me a full half-hour to find it.

I also misplaced my library card.  I didn’t want to claim it lost forever and get a new one because I already have all of the information entered and I have my borrowed nook rigged so I can download library books straight onto it and I don’t want to fool with that until after I get back from my trip.

After I made that decision, I found the card.  (under the car seat.)

Now I have misplaced my ipod.  The last time I had it was Tuesday before the lasing and the gouging of the gums.  I was listening to Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close when as I was trying to keep myself from breaking out into a cold sweat and collapsing into full freak-out mode.   I know I had it when I left the dentists office.  After that, I don’t know. It was all a blur of searing pain, emotional trauma and generic ambien.  This does not make for lucid memories.

What I do remember is the charm of that particular story as Oskar Schell recounts various hypotheses and proposals and bits of mental detritus, including the supposition that the earth is flat like a plate and rests on the back of a turtle, which stands on the back of another turtle and it’s turtles all the way down.

That actually makes me think that my current state of distraction is not temporary flightiness brought on by the weird detour life has forced me on.  Maybe I’m really just standing on crazy on top of crazy all the way down.

I have to stop this introspection.  I have a Skype interview soon and I don’t like to pop out crazy right away.

The only thing that’s trying is my patience

Published February 20, 2013 by Lynda Christine Rodriguez

Does anyone else every wake up and think, “I don’t much like people?”

I can’t cite any specific examples today, and I know it’s all me and that I’m just crabby because I had my gums lased and gouged yesterday. (Minor oral surgery from a dentist who doesn’t prescribe aftercare narcotics.)

I had a minor psychotic episode when the whole left side of my face went numb, you know because of that time when my head blew up and all. It was eventually ok, but my whole head is tense now because I clenched up so much yesterday and in my sleep.  The cat, at least, took pity on me and decided not to tromp on my sternum this morning.  I suspect there will be a chilly paw on my face later today. There is probably some horrible cat excretion waiting for my nice bare foot to step in.

In the plus side, I just finished editing the ebook about  reigniting flames.  It’s actually pretty good. I especially enjoyed the list of possible pet names to try out on your sweetie.

The first person to try and call me “Love-Muffin” will get a bust in the chops.


Just waiting for the next plague

Published February 19, 2013 by Lynda Christine Rodriguez

I used to joke that my role in the universe was to be the pawn between good and evil.  This was the result of working in the non-profit world and fighting the good fight while trying to keep some turkey from blowing out my flame.

It’s not as funny now that I seem to be playing a non-stop game of karmic dodge ball.

This morning I found out that I have been taking off the list of substitutes for the Lower School.  I am still subbing for High School and Fine Arts.  I didn’t ask for a reason, because I don’t want to draw attention to or be confronted with my shortcomings.

After this phone call, I opened the file folder with today’s editing assignment: Reigniting A Forgotten Flame. This is an Ebook about maintaining the romance in a long term relationship.

Oh Universe, why must you mock me?

Reliable sources say . . .

Published February 18, 2013 by Lynda Christine Rodriguez

I had Katboy read my the essay I entered in the XO Jane contest.  I did not do this for editorial purposes or to make him feel guilty. I did this because I wanted him to be prepared when it eventually gets published. (XO Jane will publish all entries.)

I don’t like to yank the rug out from under people. I’m just awesome that way.

The one comment he shared outside of the “boy this makes me feel terrrible” was

“I think some people may find this hard to believe.”

This is not the first time that I have heard that the events of my life are so bizarre it seems impossible to be true.

So in an effort to prove a point, I have been trying to keep track of the shenanigans that roil around me.

I haven’t left the house yet and so far

The cat has completely freaked out dashing around the bedroom chasing the shadows created by the leaves blowing outside. Then she proceeded to try and run up the wall  to catch the light reflecting off of my phone.   This resulted in her racing up and down the hallway with side trips into my office to munch noisily on a piece of plastic.

I somehow managed to set my phone’s auto correct to Spanish. Now I can’t figure out how to get it back to the normal.

The items waiting for me to edit were a non-fiction ebook on “Finding a romantic relationship.” There was also a short story about a boy band.

I keep a few different email accounts so that I can pretend that I am organized. In Elle’s Inbox (Dirty)  were a few notifications from various dating sites telling me that such and such guy is dying to meet me.  The highlight of this was a guy who sported a photo of himself  shirtless, and holding a gun. Seriously.



And in other news . . .

Published February 17, 2013 by Lynda Christine Rodriguez

The one thing I enjoy more than slugging around in my sock monkey pajama bottoms watching reruns of Law and Order ( to quote John Mulaney “I miss Jerry Orbach more than certain dead relatives of mine. ) is reading.

As I may have mentioned, my biggest fear is that I will be stranded somewhere without something to read.  Really.  I don’t understand people who DON”T read.  In fact, I can’t imagine a having a conversation with someone who doesn’t own any books. This is why when/if I move I will have to figure out how to build a little fort out of my books so that I can have them around me and still reside safely within.   Trust me, I have thought this through.  I am planning on weeding out my closet and streamlining my wardrobe for the express purposes of saving room for my books when I ultimately have to change residence. (I’m trying not to mention the it, but I AM eventually going to have to move out of my house where I have built a comfortable heap of books and devices on which to either read or watch Crime Drama.  I realize that polite thing is not to mention it, because I have been leaving Emotional Skidmarks on strangers who ask me how I’m doing and how long I have been married.  I know no one really wants to hear “I’m feeling lousy because my husband and I are splitting up somewhere around the time that his girlfriend has her baby. Suffice it to say that this will result in me having to change dwellings.)

It would be so much easier if I could just build a house out of my books and wander around like a hermit crab, looking for a place to rest so that I could watch Crime Drama.

Wow that sure was a long way to go to just say that I like to read.  And that there’s a Law and Order Marathon on right now, followed by a Law and Order: SVU marathon. And I have new library books to read and my mom is letting me use her nook tablet, and I have new ebooks .

I think I shared too much.


Published February 15, 2013 by Lynda Christine Rodriguez

I am trying to get the hang of blogging from my tablet before my upcoming trip to Paris. (First world problem. My netbook is too bulky to be lugged around so I have to figure out how to use the nook tablet my mother gave me. Wah)
It was a very strange day and I feel phyisically exhausted from yesterday’s excruciating emotional state of the fizzling wreckage of my marriage. I sure wish i had some time weasles lying around