I’m not sure why I don’t ever really know what is going on, not just in the world. Most of the time I don’t know what’s going on in my own house. There is the predictable; I will find a roach husk somewhere in the house. (It’s not just in the mystery spot anymore.) Samantha will meow at me until I check her food and water at me, then she will look at me hopefully as if today might be the day that I have decided to whip up a surprise salmon mousse for her. Later on in the day, there will be loud thunk because the letter carrier (we don’t call them mailmen anymore) will fling the mail at the door. Sometimes he is talking into his Bluetooth device. It’s confusing and this usually happens when things are at a lull and is most likely to scare the cookie monster pajama bottoms right off of me.
In an effort to improve my cultural knowledge, I sat down with a diet soda and Glamour Magazine. (I would have read Cosmopolitan but the articles have a tendency to make me stabby. Really, why should I have to be the one to learn kinky sex tricks to please my man? Cosmo, you insult me.) So, here’s my take on what is important to young women right now (I know, I’m mid-forties, but I’m deeply in denial)
Fifty perfect outfits to wear to work: Okay, here’s what I’m wearing and I’m pretty sure I have at least fifty variations on this ensemble. Yoga pants, might have been black at some point, but who knows? I got them at a thrift store. Faded red t-shirt that I can probably wear two or three more times before it completely dissolves. There are holes all over it and I probably shouldn’t wear it outside of the house. The shirt has a pocket. This is important because it helps me keep track of my phone. I have on a pair of old athletic socks that someone left here at some point. (Anytime one of the miscellaneous musicians/actors stays over I find at least one mystery sock. I toss them in the laundry with Oxyclean. )
This is the perfect outfit for me to wear to work because it’s comfy, practical and equally suited for napping and working out either is equally likely to happen.
One of the perfect bags Glamour is pushing this month is an $800 Coach bag. My most expensive bag cost $20. My next $800 will be divided up this way-$600 for mortgage, $80 for savings, $75 to spread out over three weeks to send to my kid to help pay his metro pass, the remaining $50 will go for miscellaneous bits and pieces (used books, the occasional bag of French fries, new mascara, a spree at the Thrift store outlet) I will not be buying a Coach bag. I would feel guilty about buying a Coach bag. If someone gave me a Coach bag I would sell it (a raffle would be more lucrative. Are you allowed to hold a raffle for yourself?)
Then we go on to the best beauty tricks
My best beauty trick is to only hang out with people who think my loveliness has nothing to do with how I look.
But if I have to make a presentable face for the public in a hurry, Dark Blue eyeliner above and below the lash line, slather BB cream in your skin tone, (or obvious mismatch if you are feeling frisky) Run a Q-tip over some loose or pressed powder, then run this over the liner on your top lid and under your lower lashes to keep the eyeliner from fighting with the humidity. Mascara if you want, just a few coats. Fill in your lips with lip liner then top with chapstick
Even my frivolity involves note taking and research.
I’m a nerd; I actually took notes while I was reading Glamour.
I think I will fill up the void with actual news.
Have a glamorous day!