I have been actively trying NOT to beat myself up about things I can’t control. You wouldn’t think this would be a difficult task for someone is a reasonably sound, mostly functional adult. (While I am an adult, I’m not going to commit to being a grown-up til the last possible moment. ) However, in addition to my tendency towards parenthetical hyperbole (Newest Hipster Bar) I also have the unerring ability to blame myself for just about everything. (There is that recurring dream I have where my teeth inexplicably fall out. I have had this dream so many times, I have actually added the solution to this problem to my subconscious. You put the teeth in a glass of milk until you can get to a dentist. Also, the tooth loss dream means you’ve either said or eaten something you shouldn’t have. This should tell you what kind of shape my subconscious is in.)
There has been a lot going on in my world. The school year is ending and with it are coming a lot of changes that I didn’t see coming. I have a lot of stress in my life that is new but and not one bit improved. Into the usual blame spiral, I can now toss in a major family crisis.
Because I come from a large family, there is always something going on. My cousin Cindy said the reason every event in my family is usually accompanied by another event of equal or larger proportion of angst, food and anxiety is because there are so many of us and and there is a finite number of days in a year. Her husband died and her sister got married within a few weeks of each other. (During that time, I also had a brain thing, so there’s that)
My Amanda Friend and AOG celebrated their wedding today. One of my aunts is in a coma. And my grandmother died today.
All of this has happened within the last two hours. People are offering me condolences and I have been knee jerk responding “It’s ok.” I talked to my principal and told him of my plans to come in until I have a specific family task. He told me to not worry about it and be with my family. A few minutes later I picked up my phone to call my friend Steve.
Steve Garrett, my good friend who died five years ago last Thursday.
So it’s ok.
But clearly, I am not.