Angst for the memories

Published August 16, 2015 by Lynda Christine Rodriguez

This past week has been interesting. (Would I have any other kind?) My excellent friend Mr. S  let me know about a last minute job opening and I leapt right on it. Still haven’t heard. In other news, my temporary certification experies in ten days. I can simply apply for an extension to the tune of a mere 1000 dollars. I do have that saved up but I was planning to splurge on food and rent for me an my cat should a job not appear. Now to avoid this pricey extension, I can take the diablolical, so you think you can teach test. My certification prep program green-lit me for that a couple of weeks ago, but the state still didn’t show that I had it. I made two surprisingly stress free phone calls and discovered that I could take the next available test time and still squeak by and get my full certification. I took the test today (120 non-refundable dollars)  If I do not pass this test this go round, I have to do the extension (1000 remember?) plus another 120.  If I do pass this time, there are the fees associated with the getting the full certification including the fee to add the ELA endorsement for the second test I passed when I passed that theatre thing.

Much of this may be moot if I don’t have a job. I will, however have three new pieces of paper to keep the other credentials I have company until a job comes along.

In the midst of all of this peripheral freaking out, I also had test anxiety. I know anxiety is a very real thing to many people. My anxiety had nothign to do with the actual test. I know the material, even if the material has nothing to do with the test, it is the vernacular in which the test is handled.

My anxiety is cheifly centered around my brain’ ability to just flat decide it aint gonna do what I want it to do. And that terrifies me.  It all brings back the memories of standing on stage next to Merritt Glover, and opening my mouth to hear the character voice and then having something else entirely different come out. My look of surprise and mild concern was mirrored on her face. There was true fear in my heart because my brain was going in an entirely different direction that I couldn’t control.

After 12 years the fear is still there. It is especially right at the fore front when I am at the mercy of a diabolical test that has nothing to do with teaching but is the only thing standing between me and being a for real teacher.

After I finish ed, I went to the nearest mall and went for a long walk. On this walk I ran into one of my former student. She came up and hugged me and asked if I was going to be her teacher. I told her no, but that her new teacher, Mr. S. was great and that I would be able to find out how she was doing.  She asked if my colleague, CB was  coming back and I told her no. She hugged me and thanked me for being her teacher.

The Angst was worth the Memory.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: