I try not to cry too much, mainly because I don’t want to be misjudged as weak or whiny. Unfortunately, I am one of those who cries when angry or outraged. This is where the real problem lies.
You see, I have been teetering on the edge of hysteria for the last week or so. There is a lot going on in my world and in The World and it is quite upsetting. I am terrified of what is going to happen next as the big and little pictures are both becoming wavy and unsettling. I drove to work crying the other day because of the state of the world (ok, our Union) but had to quickly pull it together to be the voice of reason (I know, I think it’s funny, too.) for the students who look to me for guidance and I don’t think it’s my turn to corral that barrel of monkeys.
And there are other things.
As I have said, there are things for which I thought I was ready that I clearly not.
Actor Boy has called me three times since election day. Actor Boy didn’t call me when he broke his tooth, or when he had been jumped in a mall parking lot or when he broke his sternum. He called because he feels the hate and tension and fear building up around him. He is a white male living in a liberal state and he is scared.
Batman held me on the morning after the election while I cried tears of real terror. I’m not sure he understands the depths of my fear.
I have a responsibility to ensure the safety of 21 students for nine hours a day. I hear things that some of the older students say to each other in ways that are hurtful. I am actively trying to stop hate speech from springing up. All around me I hear the rumblings of a future that, quite frankly, terrifies me.
A few older students have made jokes that aren’t funny to anyone, except maybe Brock Turner and Donald Trump. I have real fear for the sweet little girls in my charge. I can’t do anything about it tonight but cry a little.
And be very proud that Actor Boy is enough of a man to feel the fear, too