2016 has been odd, to say the least. I am having great difficulty harnessing my brain and energy to create anything. It’s not at all that I don’t have anything to say, it’s just that I’m afraid my rant will turn into the cackle of madness, and I don’t imagine that is how Batman pictured ringing in the new year.
I’m still processing a lot of information right now. Part of the process is comparing and contrasting how I think and feel now with how I have thought in the past.
When I was younger, like in the sixth or seventh grade, whenever I dreaded something I would think, “Well, maybe the planet will explode or war will break out and I won’t have to do it. ”
That’s an odd thing for anyone to think, let alone a 12 year old. I’m pretty sure I know where this fatalistic attitude came from but that is definitely a psychotic episode for another time.
Even as a 12 year old, I had to argue with myself about whether or not this was a rational course of thought. I finally came to the conclusion that whenever war does break out or when the earth stops, someone is going to be a 12 year old with a report due, so whose to say it’s not me?
Well, clearly that did not happen, and I learned to adjust my coping mechanism into the thinking that I could survive giving a report in front of the judgy students who shared the Honors English Class , because it would eventually be over and I would emerge safely on the other side.
This is an attitude I kept for most of my adult life, especially when I have to do something I don’t want to do. In fact the only time I ever did not get the, “It’s going to be ok” vibe was the night my head blew up. (I do speak of this in my ten minute play, Watch Your Head.) My instinct was right, I almost didn’t survive that.
So here I am at the end of another year and I am very grateful for the good things. Let’s weigh them against the bad.
I am tired and anxious, but I have a job I truly love, and the tired goes right along with that. The anxiety is due to my own drive to distraction.
I’m worried about cash flow but I have a roof over my head and food in the kitchen and I have the means and wherewithal to get by.
I miss Actor Boy but he has a career he loves and he is generally content.
And some of the goods that have no bads to weigh them down.
Batman brought back my smile from wherever it has been hiding for the last three years or so.
My house is clean and I am sitting on the couch in my living room like a grown up instead of huddling on the edge of my bed eating cheetos in the dark. (I still like cheetos and the dark, but now they are not my only options.)
I am a little disappointed that my winter break is coming to an end, but I do love my job and I want to see my students.
And two biggies:
I finished Circumstance and it is now in the hands of the fine people who are the readers for MacMillan Publishers new crime fiction contest.
A college student will be using a bit from Watch Your Head for their Irene Ryan audition for the American College Theatre Festival. For me, this is huge, because before I realized that acting was not my strength, I wanted to be nominated to participate in this. I never did, although my brother was a national finalist. Now I do get to be a part of it.
Yes, a horrible orange psycho is about to be in the White House, but I still have the freedom to say that in a public forum. (With that thought, my word count for this entry hit 666, coincidence? )
I have love life and Batman.
Not bad for someone who couldn’t see the end this time last year.
Happy New Year’s everyone! May the only orange in your life be from Cheetos. Darkness not included.